I soldier on: The Short Film

For some time now I have been attempting to compress the decline of civilisation into bite sized morsels for the benefit of an unseen machine in California that decides whether I remain worthy of your attention. This algorithm may or may not answer to the name Zuck-Tik.

It is, frankly, like Crocs and loud chewing, beneath us all.

We've become rather good at making things to satisfy invisible algorithmic overlords.

I'd quite like to make something for people instead (both feline and servant alike).

There are stories that deserve more than ninety seconds. There are grievances that require proper pacing, multiple locations and hot mustard placed on a bath towel. Revenges sometimes simply cannot be rushed. One cannot dismantle a man's dignity to a satisfactory standard slapped between advertisements for protein powder and battery powered fans like a slice of whiffy ham. 

So, I have decided to make something bigger, something bolder.

I Soldier On: The Short Film will be a tale told at such depth and length that even Marcel Proust himself would become restless... or, at the very least, over ten whole minutes. A cinematic tale of standards, betrayal and what I anticipate will be an entirely proportionate response to the Short Man.

To date, every diary, every sketch, every book trailer and almost every absurdity, indignity and lapse in standards across my world has been planned and filmed, almost entirely, on Mother's cracked iPhone, in the spare minutes life allows.

The approach has served me, anyway, admirably. Fear not, the diaries shall continue. Civilisation continues to decline at such an alarming rate that regular reporting remains unavoidable. I merely wish to tell the occasional story that deserves a little more room to breathe and not contribute to an attention economy with the lifespan of a fruit fly on espresso.

If we're going to make I Soldier On: The Short Film, it deserves more focus than a Labrador on a sausage. It also deserves to be filmed on an actual camera, perhaps a smoke machine, a Belgian mime or simply a dump truck of manure to be delivered directly onto the Short Man.

This is where you come in.

Yes, my dear friends, I am asking you to drive the proverbial dump truck for art and justice. I want to know that you want my vision to become reality. If you do not... well, then we shall continue to drift through an endless sea of air fryer advertisements and unnecessarily moving police dog retirement videos.

However, if the idea of I Soldier On: The Short Film appeals to you - I want to know.

Sign up below and I'll let you know as production progresses, seek your counsel, share the occasional behind-the-scenes disaster and, when the time comes, make sure you're among the first to watch it.

And, should you feel compelled to become gloriously complicit... you can.

For reasons known only to the marketing departments of multinational corporations, brands have yet to recognise the commercial value of a radically honest cat. As such, there are limited funds if this vision is to become a reality.

By becoming a Producer, Executive Producer or even a Patron of Standards below, you'll be helping bring I Soldier On: The Short Film to life through the power of spectacularly questionable judgement.  For the avoidance of doubt, there are no financial returns whatsoever. If this proves commercially successful, I shall be every bit as surprised as you are. Whether you choose to lend your encouragement, or your wallet, we'll make something gloriously petty together, because after all..